2021.12.09 10:32 helloguyincognito Do I try and save my marriage or move on to the only person who has ever got me?
Apologies in advance for the length of this but I want to get all the right info in for the best advice as I’m an utter mess and need help.
TL;DR - lost intimacy with my wife and didn’t talk about it so drifted apart. Found someone else who I have a connection with like I’ve never ever felt before, and she gets me on every single level and I love her deeply. Ended my marriage and devoted myself to the someone else and was incredibly happy. But then had doubts so talked to my wife I we agreed to work on it. Now not sure if that was the right thing to do as I’m miserable I’ve parted with my someone else and I’m hurting bad and not sure I’ll find the connection with my wife again, if I do it certainly won’t be the same as what I had with my someone else. Speaking to a counsellor tonight and probably for a while to get my emotions in check but looking for advice/experience on if I’ve been too hasty in wanting to work on my marriage when I clearly ended it for a reason.
I (36m) have been married to my wife (36f) for 11 years we’ve been together for 16 years. We have 2 kids together (6 and 1). Over the course of this year and particularly the past 4-5 months I have been really unhappy in the marriage. I just felt no connection to my wife, there was no intimacy etc. and neither of us made any effort to correct this. I stopped trying to keep the intimacy going about 4-5 months ago because I was fed up of getting nothing back so stopped trying. I never spoke to her about this at the time (a mistake I know). The beginning of September I messaged someone on Instagram (my person from here on out) I’ve found really attractive for a long time. The message was in relation to a suggestive picture and we started talking about that and flirting. In all honesty I was just looking for someone to sext with and have a bit of online fun because I wasn’t getting that attention at home. We did start sexting but then we started joking about meeting up. This led to us actually meeting up at the beginning of October and the intention was just one night/a 24 hour thing but the 4-5 week build up to this we developed a connection far beyond sex/physical attraction. A lot of common interests that we joked about; both nerds, both weird, both into fitness, same taste in music, both very high sex drives and count that as extremely important in a relationship, both very tactile. When we met we realised the connection was strong, very strong. To the extent it was very hard to say goodbye and when we continued to talk we decided we wanted to take it further. At the end of October I told my wife I didn’t love her anymore, that I had been unhappy for months and I had drifted to far away. I said I didn’t want to work on it and moved into the spare room and although painful I felt it was the right thing. I hadn’t felt a connection with her for months, I was very much into someone else, I cheated on her so clearly couldn’t be in love with her. Since then I have met up with my person another twice, the middle of November and the weekend just past. All 3 times my wife was unaware I was meeting someone - I said I was away on my own. She still doesn’t know there was/is someone else. The first meet was a Fri-Sun the one at the weekend there was Fri-Mon. Both weekends were utterly perfect. The November weekend we admitted we were in love. Very soon considering we’d only met in person once but we’d been texting & video messaging for hours every single day. We’d share songs with each other to listen to on our commutes, she’d spur me on in the gym and I’ve never made better progress because she makes me feel incredible. We’d send each other mushy and dirty Instagram reels/TikTok’s. We’d constantly declare our emotions for each other, how in love we were, we’d started planning a future together despite the long distance, several gigs throughout 2022, a holiday etc. I’ve never ever felt a connection like this before. We got each other on every level. We could be entirely ourselves with each other and it felt right. We were utterly devoted to each other. I was extremely happy. It was hard because it was long distance, 3 hours apart (Scotland and England), but we were committed to working through it. The love was deep and intense and I’ve never been happier. However the weekend just there while we were together I felt the occasional pang of emotions for my wife. I miss my kids while I’m away but this was the first time I felt like I missed my wife. I found myself watching her answering the door on our ring doorbell just to see her, not obsessively but just would check my notifications and see she’d answered the door so would watch the video and feel like a missed her. This was strange as I’d had no/limited feelings like this for a long time for her. I started to wonder if I’d done the right thing, had I been to hasty in ending my marriage considering I’d never actually once spoken to my wife about my lack of feelings, upset at the lack of intimacy etc. and the fact we had a 16 year history that I’d not wanted to work on. We spoke about the reason for me drifting when I told her I didn’t love her and I said I’d drifted too far away and I couldn’t come back. Now I wasn’t sure. I thought about it the whole train journey home and decided I’d speak to my wife about it that night. I sat down with her and told I missed her at the weekend (I didn’t not tell her I was with someone else), that the reason I feel I fell out of love with her was the lack of intimacy. That I felt we were just going through the motions as parents and people living in the same house. We talked for a couple of hours about all the things that led to it (lockdowns, things opening up and us making plans with family & friends but not each other, having our daughter in October 2020 and very hard year with her, my wife having heart surgery in March past and a lot falling on me about looking after the kids, working etc.). We decided we’d work on it, I’m speaking to a counsellor tonight about this situation and how to stop bottling up my emotions, we’ve said we’d make more time for each other as a couple to get that spark back. I’ve moved back into our room. I can see she’s making a significant effort to be more intimate and tactile. I like it, it’s what I wanted. I’m still not feeling the a connection though. It is soon though. I ended things with my person on Tuesday morning. It was hard. We didn’t speak the whole of Tuesday. I left her to process it. We spoke yesterday and it was awful. We are both in so much pain. She understands and accepts my decision, she’s recently separated and been through all this recently. However it hurts so so bad. I miss her desperately. I’ve utterly destroyed her. Destroyed myself. I feel miserable all the time. I woke up several times last night and felt happy for a few seconds then utterly miserable again as soon as I thought about her and not having her in my life anymore. I wanted that future with her. No one has got me like she has. Makes me feel the way she does. We were each other’s person for everything. She was my entire life and I was hers for the past 3 months. I can’t imagine not speaking to her every day. Speaking to her yesterday was awful and hard but I was speaking to her so I felt happier than I did the day before and happier than I do today as we’ve not spoken since yesterday afternoon. I cried a lot yesterday.
I’m really struggling to decide if I’ve made the right decision or if I shouldn’t have said anything to my wife about working on it and left it a few days after the weekend. I’m worried I missed her but not enough or not for the reason of reconciliation. Did I miss her because I wasn’t there? But that’s too late now, words have been said and she’s happier now that we said we’d work on it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine my life without my person I miss her desperately. She is utterly broken and I just want to make her feel better and be us again because we love each other like nothing over ever felt. But I feel I owe it to 16 years to try my marriage, even if I am unhappy just now. It might get better. I don’t know. My worry is if I tell my wife again I’m not feeling it it’ll utterly destroy her considering I was the one who reached out.
Sorry for the long post. Just looking for any thoughts really. I realise I’m a horrible person, I’ve accepted that. But that’s not the point of this post. I guess I just needed to get it out there as I’ve not spoken to anyone about this whole situation.
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2021.12.09 10:32 Emily_RoyaleHigh Looking for 5k rhd!
2021.12.09 10:32 One-Company-3343 Question: Rex vs Unforgiven?
Which of them is better? I happened to got a Rex which I’ve never noticed before. As a big fan of Jacobs revolvers, I’d love to keep it. But how good is it? Especially comparing to the other hand-cannon, the Unforgiven? Or they both suck even with decent looking?
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2021.12.09 10:32 Money-Bathroom Do Graduate Assistants at UF need to drug test?
I messed up and took 1 hit of pot last night. I didn't even think about drug tests until after I did it. Besides that hit I haven't smoked in years. Does anyone know if graduate assistants need to take a drug test and if so when during the application process?
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2021.12.09 10:32 neuroticsmurf I don't care how you define it. This guy is his own worst enemy.
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2021.12.09 10:32 scarr3d_angel i think i may have an eating disorder.
as the title says, i think i have been struggling with an eating disorder for a very long time and i’m not sure what to do.
i’m 25 years old, and i recently just had my first child. he is 2 months old and i am 5 foot one, 96 pounds.
some of the reasons i believe i have an eating disorder are:
• obsessively checking my body in the mirror multiple times a day
• weighing myself after every meal, and every morning and night
• i’m only a few pounds away from being considered “underweight” by the bmi chart
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• i’m terrified to gain weight, specifically to be over 100 pounds
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i’ve had these habits since i was a teenager, but it has recently gotten worse since becoming a mother. pregnancy really triggered something in my head. my question is, what do i do? how can i get help? am i over thinking this, or is this abnormal behavior? i’m worried about my physical and mental health, and my son deserves to have a mother that is fully present and no longer controlled by body image.
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2021.12.09 10:32 shufunk Taking Veronica to the park!
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2021.12.09 10:32 starvenmarv Sign seems fitting since I was stuck so bad I had to recover lol
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2021.12.09 10:32 alltherach_ 211209 V (4)
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2021.12.09 10:32 lughtuthade Waking Up Early Is Worst Promise To Make
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2021.12.09 10:32 tommy_wye This depresses me greatly.
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2021.12.09 10:32 FrontpageWatch2020 [#184|+3169|55] it must be a great job being a teacher [r/teenagers]
2021.12.09 10:32 xxiputxsinmynamexx Who will win in 2044
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2021.12.09 10:32 SadBreath6997 Joe Biden
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2021.12.09 10:32 Cowboy_Man69_ Looking at offers for autumn, Win20, and 1.2 mil
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2021.12.09 10:32 JasonCPhD The author argues that an infringement upon right B, where right B is entailed by right A, is an infringement on right A and that the right to defend oneself with guns is entailed by the right to self-defense.
2021.12.09 10:32 Negative-Chemistry81 Real Estate $BTC acceptance booming. New listings everyday.
2021.12.09 10:32 Iwillnotbeokay Track cleaning…
We’re all looking to keep our tracks clean, but let’s discuss different methods. We see rubber cleaning blocks, rail cars equipped with cleaning pads, some use isopropyl alcohol, and some use other cleaning compounds. I’ve also seen talk of NO-OX-ID online, and am curious about that as well.
Personally, I’ve used iso and a cloth and it’s worked well. I’d like to hear what others think!
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2021.12.09 10:32 HardCoreGamer969 NIS for 1600x900 res?
As the title says I have a 1600x900 75hz monitor and was wondering is NIS would increase fps, I saw other posts with 1080p monitors that got higher quality. I was also wondering what NIS settings I should have for my monitor?
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